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[December 9, 12:24 am] |
it's the middle of december, 09 is coming to an end.
and i'm just wonderin' where i'm going to be this time ... next year.
a LOT can change in a year.
hmmm....
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[November 30, 5:44 pm] |
i. hate. my. mother.
just sayin'
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[November 21, 8:13 pm] |
well i'm not sure.
i want to be done with school. i have to bust my butt this week.
i don't know.
i'm not sure.
it kind of sucks
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[November 16, 1:57 pm] |
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i still have your old shoebox full of every memory we ever made.
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[November 15, 2:33 pm] |
what happened to you?
i feel like i can't even talk to you
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[November 2, 1:03 pm] |
soooo ... let's see:
halloween was gooood, brett actually was peter pan hahaha! thank god for his sister's boyfriend's sister (did you get that? haha) needed her hair done the morning of halloween so i made 30 bucks.
bought him a green shirt from goodwill, green tights, and my green fishnets. i couldn't find a pair of fairy wings for under 16 bucks, so i was like fuckkk all that. i can be a handi-capped tinkerbell no problem haha.
so, although brett through many (MANY) tantrums about how he didn't want to be at his house on halloween, we ended up staying there because steve and tila invited over a shit ton of people for a party. which, i ended up spending 20 dollars on a bottle of vodka, which i was pissed about, but whatever.
ended up having a great time, but yesterday morning was HELL. i woke up at like 6, puked my brains out, pretty much almost died, and i had to go to the ER. oh my goddd, do i hate hate hate that feeling more than anyythinggg. i was so dehydrated and throwing up yellow bile from my stomach (ewwww) everyyy ten minutes. i was hyperventilating, so i wasn't getting oxygen to my fingers or feet and they were all numb. i waited like TWO HOURS to get medicine. (i thought they called it the EMERGENCY room?!?!!?) i looked like living hell in the waiting room. they hooked me up to an IV, which my nurse had NO mercy for me, sticking that needle in there like my veins didn't have feelings or anything ... SHIIIIIT. thennn, brett is tired of being in the hospital, LEAVES ME ALL THE FUCK ALONE for like 40 minutes while he goes home ... yeah i'll remember that next time he's on the verge of dying. now, my mom is bitching because it was $75 to go, so apparently i "owe her the money back". soooo i basically spent almost $100 to drink, die, and be rejuvenated again. AWESOME. remind me to NEVER, EVER do that again. seriously.
now today i am back to the old me, still trying to get rid of my old clothes on the internet. it's going so-so. i had one really good week and made like 60 bucks, but now it's been slow cuz i haven't been online much to talk to people.
sooo .. that's what i'm gonna do now.
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[October 25, 10:17 pm] |
i go through random times where i totally just ignore this thing, haha. oh well.
let's see ... tonight is the first night in i think like 3 months that brett and i have not been together. it's weird, but i do like it. and miss it. he was literally crying earlier though because he didn't wanna be apart from me. but i'm feeling sick and he's afraid to get sick so idk, he went home! yeah, i've had a runny nose alllll dayy (which i heard constant yelling at me: COVER YOUR MOUTH! WASH YOUR HANDS!) ugh. i feel like i've o'd on medicine too, and i been drinking a lot of orange juice. so this shit better go away real quikc. i do not like being sick at allll! especially with this stupid swin flu going on. ugh ... that is something i do NOT want to be apart of. and brett's all freaking out, saying he's got to get the vaccine ... i'm like uhh fuck that shittt, they haven't even really come out with a CUREEE for it yet, i don't think i'm going to trust some vaccine lol. i'd rather tough it out anywayssssssssss!
i don't know what's going on with school. i really have not been going like i should have. i lost track of how many theory hours i had left to do, which i need to find out about, plus i have a lot more stuff to do than my mom thinks ( she thinks i have two more tests to take, when in reality, it's like 9 ) anddd i have to do my tallies which is gonna suckk ... ugh i'm going to have to go up there next week and just finish everything up. but i totally hate being there when i'm not getting hours for it, feels like a waste of my time. i really wish i would have taken it a bit more seriously, but eh what are you gonna do. school is school, and everyone that goes there are shitty students so it kinda influences you to be one. that and being all day everyday is not exactly fun, after about 9 months of being there, hahah. i don't even know if i'll be able to graduate on november 13th, and if not i'll have to wait til feb. ohh, my mother is going to love that one haha. she haatee hate hateess me being at the house all day everyday not doing a damn thing but on the computer.
ehh, but what can ya do.
i tried starting to sell my clothes online as well too, to make some silly side money. some days it goes good, some days it doesn't. some days i'm ballin outrageous, some days i'm not, haha. it just sucks though cuz i've sold like a lot i feel like, and i wanted to use that money to get NEW stuff, since i'm getting rid of so much, and all i've spent my money on so far is stupid stuff for me and brett. he gets his check cashed tomorrow and he sayyss he's going to take me to carraba's, which i mean DUH i deserve, cuz there aint no way in hell i'm spending 50 bucks on dinner for us haha. i dropped like over 100 last week for us to go to halloween horror nights, which was ALL RIGHT. i swear that kid will start an argument with me over spilled milk. absolutely anything and everything. really gets on my nerves sometimes, how much we bump heads. but i do love the kid to death, and he loves me a lot, so i guess we balance each other out. hey, he's the only human i really have constant contact with right now haha so he's all i got!!
i went to madison's baby shower the other day, boyyy i can NOT believe she is already popping out chillldrenn. i really didn't think it would happen so soon. i remember back in the day we used to dream about doing so much stuff, packing up our shit when we turned 18 and just moving to cali, being strippers and living in a shitty shack on the beach and being completely happy with life. it was a nice dream, until reality hit us haha. now here i am, practically married, and she has a baby on the way. ohhh myyy how we grow up.
i also been visiting a lot with an old friend, cristina, who has a 17 month old little boy who is THE CUTEST LIL THANG THANG EVVER!! it's funny cuz we were never like reallyreally good friends in high school, but i've been to her house twice in the past month, and i really like her and her lil guy. me and brett always are like, damn, it must suck to just sit in the house day after day watching a lil kid. i told him we need to babysit for her so she and her hubby can go out and do somethingg! she's very sweet.
and i really can't believe halloween is THIS WEEKEND. i mean, i have a tinkerbell costume i'm full prepared to wear, but brett really doesn't have anything, and i have a feeling that when the day comes we're really not going to do shittt. and that's super lamee :( i feel like all my halloweens have been pretty lame since i stopped trick or treating. always spending it with boyfriends, sitting on the couch eating our store-bought candy. i would like to do something, i don't know find a ghost or something. jeeeez. halloween has always been like my most favorite time of the year. i really like october in general lol. it's probably my second favorite month (may, my birthday month of course being my first favorite) and then december, for christmas and new years. of course there is thanksgiving, which i'm very fond of .... i loooveee getting super high before chowing down on some turkey. best of the best.
basically, i'm excited for the holidays. cross my fingers i get down with school before thanksgiving, and get a job before christmas. that would be splendiddd.
well, i've dranken all i can stand of the orange juice and my nose is starting to get raw from blowing it so much. i think i'll call it a night, haha.
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[September 11, 7:28 pm] |
so all i have to say is FUCK UTI'S!
most of the time i'm hating on my vagina because it already puts me through enough every single month; but this morning i get up to pee because i feel like i'm about to freaking pee my pants and then: OUCH. fucking uti.
left school, went to the doctors, confirmed, now i have to take pills that are as big as my freakin' foot. like, fuck vagina's in general. i wish i could just take mine out and put it back in when i'm READY to have a kid. i've dranken like a gallon of water and i feel like i've only peed out a pint. so over it. it's like pink eye of the private parts.
well today i calculated that i have about 80 ish hours left of school. that's if they're not jippping me of some hours. which i have a feeling they are. so i'm going to have to talk to someone tomorrow. that's one thing i hate about that school. they fuck you so hard you don't even realize. probably why everyone that goes there is freakin' pregnant. (hah) but really. i'm probably the ONLY person who has not had a baby, had an abortion, or even ever in my life been 'prego'. the girls @ paul mitchell are like all about popping out babies.
well, i'm way excited for my hours to be up so that i can have more free time (to look for a jobbbb......oooo wooo hooooo...) and stuff.
brett takes his GED test on the 19th. i really fuckin' hope he passes.
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[September 9, 10:10 pm] |
okay, so like life as i know right now : it's pretty damn good.
i never thought i'd say this BUT .... i do have over 1,000 hours in school.
and yes, it does feel good.
i mean, i worked my butt offfff the past week and got so much shit done that really didn't need to be done so fast. idk. i know that once i finish my hours, i'm going to have to do a lot more shit before i actually exit, but just knowing that i at least have my hours is going to make me (and my family) feel a lot better.
than it's going to be getting a job.
ugh. what i have been trying to aviod like, my whole life. haha.
well. update:
tila fell in love with brett's room mate. she totally doesn't want to admit it, but we all know. she's at his house right now, while brett and i are at home (which is like, totally awkward and weird to me at the same time ... ) it's defiantly going to take some getting used to.
i have two pregnant friends with babys on the way, making me feel a little extra scared ... i meaaaaan, i'm REALLY not trying to bring someone in this world right now when i can barely even take care of myself. i really need to start taking that damn birth control ...
it's hard for me to focus on more than one thing at a time though. and i have been doing really good about getting to school, and staying there. once you've been in the habit of leaving whenever the hell you please, it gets seriously hard to have discipline to stay. especially when everyone else around you wants to leave, and you have to be the 'role model'.
i'm such a star student.
ANYWAYS. brett and i are doing really well. he's still going to be the same old him, but he keeps telling me he's trying to change his i-want-to-wrap-you-in-a-bubble-so-you'll-never-get-hurt type ways, which is good, because we all know i will NOT be trapped in a cage. been there, done that.
he totally cleaned and washed my car today when i was taking a nap at his house after school. that made me really happy, because, one - the car was DISGUSTING, like gross as hell (it had been through two beach trips) and two - i kept telling myself i was going to do it but as always i come home from school and i'm too tired to even change the damn TV. i just want to lay down, go on myspace for a few hours, and go to freaking bed. haha. oh the fabulous life.
well, i'm really looking forward to this year ending. usually, i'm like, ohhh noo, time is going too fast, like where's the rewiiinddd ... but by the end of this year i should be right around the point that i have imagined since like ...... forevver. done with school. have a good job (please god, PLEASE.) boyfriend, check, good friends, check. just tryin' to get closer and closer to my ultimate goal in life: become famous.
i hate waiting more than anything. it really sucks. buuuut, i'm going to get my license, work two years in florida, so that i can move to cali, get a good job there, live there, and hopefully fate will step in when it needs to. (i mean, whenever you're ready, i'm totally down, mr. fate...) haha.
ahhh. well, brett wants me to go watch TV with him and i'm so down for a good night's sleep.
wake up and do it all over again.
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[September 7, 6:12 pm] |
my mom is the biggest cunt bitch to ever live this planet.
selfish, negative, annoying, bitchy, talks shit constantly, thinks she's the greatest thing ever but yet consistently says she hates her life. as if it is SO HARD.
she doesn't make any sense when she rambles on, she just needs to seriously pack her things and peace out.
no one likes her.
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[September 5, 7:55 pm] |
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like whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do i always find the most controlling boys EVER
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[September 3, 10:20 pm] |
i want to write a book.
i just have to get these scattered thoughts together and make it happen.
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| trips down memory lane |
[August 16, 8:59 pm] |
Have you ever just sat and like seriously thought out all your previous years on this earth?
i know i take every day as it comes and it ALWAYS feels like i'm doing the same damn thing every day, but when time goes by i realize what phases i went through and people i hung around, the slang i spoke and the clothes i wore.
i look around me and i wonder, "who's left?" who's still there that pinky promised me they would always be, what's left of everything that i ever created, and where the HELL is that pink bathing suit i found a picture of me wearing?!
sometimes i think i'm just morbid that it's finally come to the time that i have always wished for; and yet i feel like i'm in the same boat. rescue is never going to come.
i don't like being twenty. i'll admit to it. i'd trade my soul to the devil to be 17 forever, the good days where my biggest worry was "so like, what are we doing tonight?!" and then i think that was only 3 years ago, what happens when i turn 30 and wish for more than anything to be 20 again?!
thus fore; i have discovered that i have a fear of growing old. I have gerascophobia! (I looked it up.) I don't really know how to handle this news. I suppose I'll just keep getting older.
I think I moan and groan about my past because it didn't turn out exactly the way I pictured. I had everything at one point - and lost it all within a few years. I was so happy and content, and then it seemed like that happiness just packed its bags and moved on without me. I am angry, resentful, regretful. But as much as I delebrate about what I should of done, or why things are the way now, I can't change what happens and what did happen.
I find myself very happy at the place I am in now, no doubt about that. I am finally doing what I always wanted to do, and I have someone who loves me very much to share it with.
But sometimes it's oh-so-hard to think of the 'what if...' and that's when life slaps me in the face, telling me to look forward.
I don't want to ramble forever because people will start thinking I'm some old flousy bee-atch who keeps trying to live in the past, but if you're younger than me just trying to live it up, thinking that you'll never look back, you will. Trust me, you will.
I guess that's why Hook will always be my favorite movie. I always wanted more than anything, to be a lost boy (or girl, whatever?) and to do nothing but live forever, and have fun.
Amen.
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[August 15, 9:12 am] |
does anyone read this anymore???
i think about you everyday.
and just to let you know,
you suck.
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[March 28, 6:28 pm] |
let's talk about
how i never write in here?
how so much has happened since
JANUARY?!
one.
alex.
alex walked into my life in novemeberish. i can safely call her my best friend.
she is JUST like me, only more complicated.
and i didn't think people like that existed.
her issues and my issues make us bump heads sometimes, but i'm really happy that we have became friends.
i have been kinda sorta living with her,
and since then, my parents decided to:
1- change the locks on me and not give me a key.
they are not smart. i copied that shit the next day.
2- take all my items off the wall and completely re-do my room.
everything that i own is in garbage bags and been sorted through. KIND OF annoying.
alex attends paul mitchell with me. that is going all right.
yes, all right.
my slacking skills are slowly taking over me. well, have been at least.
i think i have realized, and accepted, that i will never be a "good student."
two.
brett.
i met brett through alex. because she was trying to holler at josh, who was best friends with brett, when i met them both.
it was interesting times when josh and brett lived together.
we all had a lot of fun, until tension rose up too high between us, and josh and alex are no longer exclusive but now brett and i are.
yeah, no more brian.
it was so weird to go from doing one normal routine to a completely different routine;
i think i kinda tricked myself into believing it wouldn't happen,
but it did.
what sucks?
i'm always being pulled at the arms by the two of them. now, i know that i have handled having a best friend and a boyfriend in the past. but this sometimes gets wayyy outta control.
i think my whole point in becoming single again was to be able to do what i wanted to do;
but now i'm brett's first girlfriend and he's doing the whole "blah-blah i want to control you" thing, and alex is doing the whole "don't you dare let him do that to you" type thing.
being pulled from both ends sucks. a lot.
do you ever sometimes feel like you're just standing outside of your life watching everything happen? as if you KNOW you don't want to be in this situation, you can think of a million and ten other things you can do, but you just don't. do. anything.? you just kick back, and see where it's going to take you even though you can pretty much predict the outcome.
i wish i wasn't such a people pleaser sometimes.
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[January 11, 4:38 pm] |
why do i have to suck
SO MUCH.
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[December 26, 7:50 pm] |
holidays were swell.
it's amazing how fast a year will go by.
i'm REALLY excited for 2009.
there are a lot of things i want to accomplish.
considering the fact that i've done NOTHING this year.
i'm building myself back up
and i think i like it.
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[December 9, 10:41 am] |
i have no idea how i'm still here.
how i'm still dealing with the same shit i've been dealing with my whole life.
and i know that some people have it worst;
but let me be selfish as i have never felt this low.
i can take a lot, and get over a lot.
my brain is so fried from screaming
the yelling will forever ring in my ears
you don't know what i've been through, i play it off like it's nothing
but most nights i'm crying myself to sleep
wishing
hoping
praying
that SOMETHING will change
anything at all
but here i go again with my bag full of emotions,
running around in circles trying to break free
threats, lies, breakdowns
i've seen it all before
i'm so thankful for what has been handed to me
but everything else slapped me in the face
what did i do to deserve this? i'm constantly asking myself
i've been dreaming every single day
nothing happens and i start to think nothing ever will
it starts the downward spiral and i hate looking at the ground
my face is being pushed into the dirt
please God, let me see the light
i regain my strength until she pushes me over again
"i will never put anyone through this, why is she doing it to me"
tears have replaced my laughter
i need to get out, i need to get out
trapped
stuck
go back to the beginning
reverse everything
wouldn't that make you happy?
to make the same mistakes you thought you never would
to see your same actions being carried out as i told you you would
to know that everything you've ever done is a waste of time and unappreciated
you're just a burden to us;
causing stress and time and money
well i'm sorry you did this to me
and i'm sorry i did that to you
but time doesn't stop
i'm left with hopeless feelings
so desperate and so alone
no one can understand because i don't know how to say it
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[September 28, 1:06 pm] |
made it through my second week of school.
i can tell that time is going to fly by.
i'm very excited for next weekend.
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[September 22, 1:54 am] |
it's funny how someone will hate someone so much because of what they think of them, and then when you get down to actually talking to them, realizing that they are nothing more and nothing less than what you are yourself, they become some sort of friends. i think that's when people start growing up, when they realize that throwing rude comments or calling someone else names is nothing but a waste of time. and don't we all love to waste our time.
grow up. demeaning my life will do nothing for you except give you that boost of confidence you're so desperately searching for.
sometimes i think about the time. how it never stops, just keeps going. how we're all just spectacles in it, wandering about trying to make the most of the time we do have here on earth. how there is so many unanswered questions about life or death and the universe that will NEVER get answered. and yet, we consumer ourselves with what we think life is all about; working, being successful, having a family, getting an education. i find myself thinking about how far i've come and how much farther i have to go, about every little thing that i want to do or should have done.
it's most def. 2:00 in the morning.i need to stop thinking... i finished my first week of school, woo-hoo. there are a few people in my class i can tell i'm going to get along with, there are a few that i'm going to want to ignore. humans are so crazy on how we have so many different perspectives on judging people on whether or not we'd like them. usually you turn out to be surprised, so i always keep an open mind and stay nice to everyone i meet, you never know when it's going to catch up to you one day you know? i made brian paint my nails today. :D i don't have many black clothes to wear to school and no money to buy more, which sucks majorly.
for such an impatient person, i've thrown so much patience into my future. i've got to make it through this year.
i like tricking people. most of the time, i don't make sense. often, i like to leave people thinking ... "wtf?"
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